ARRRRGH!!!!!!

Ok, well the following pictures are not what I planned to post next. I planned to post pictures of my children blissfully attending school parties and having fun. Instead, I feel the need to post some pictures that show the reality of the Simon household this morning. Because I'm all about keeping it real. It's not just fun and games here...I can only convey my horror through an exact dialogue:

(Brady comes into my bedroom at about 8am this morning)

Brady: Um Mommy, Christian has some patches on the back of his head that don't have any hair.

Me: What? (At this point, I'm still thinking about the coffee that I'm going to get in a few minutes)

Brady: Yeah, see, he has these spots on his head and they don't have hair.

Me: (starting to panic) What do you mean he has spots with no hair?

Brady: Well, I don't know what happened but there's not any hair there now.

Me: (attempting to keep my voice calm and even) Can you go get him and tell him to come in here?

Brady: Sure.

(At this point, I'm thinking.. nutritional deficiency. I mean, come on, he doesn't eat anything. His hair is falling out and he has some sort of illness and his pediatrician's son now goes to Berry and she's going to see him and know that I can't get him to eat. Why didn't I buy something better than the Flinstones Multivitamin?!?!?)

Christian enters my room and I notice that he will only look at me head on. Brady plops down on the couch and just waits and watches for my reaction.

Me: Christian, turn around.

Christian: Why?

Me: Because I want you to.

Christian: Am I going to get in trouble?

Me: Well, I'm going to try really hard not to get mad... (grabbing his head and turning it to the side)(GASP)- What have you done?

Christian: Well, see I felt like my hair was too long in those places so I shaved it.
Me: With what?

Christian: Your razor.
Me: My WHAT????
Christian: Your razor.

Me: (still trying very hard to keep my voice even and steady) Can you go get it for me and show me?

Christian: (comes back with my razor that is still full of his beautiful, dark, curly, wonderful, thick, luscious hair that I love to run my fingers through endlessly-sob- whew! calm down DeAnn, it's just hair...)

Me: (I'm speechless and I hear Scot about to walk in the bedroom door) Christian, stand here beside me and be very quiet while we tell Daddy.

Scot walks in and looks at me, Christian, and Brady sitting in the middle of the room very still and quiet and staring at him.

Scot: Hi. (He looks at us suspiciously) What's going on?

Me: Well, we have some bad news. (I start to stumble with my words a bit here. Brady is sitting on the couch dead still and Christian has moved sideways into my lap- keeping his head straight at all times). It seems that Christian decided to um, well, see, he decided to shave some of his hair off.

Now, keep in mind, that Scot is a very dramatic person and I really wasn't sure how this was going to go over. You never know with Scot. He could have started laughing, or he could have gotten really upset. I mean, it's bad, don't get me wrong, but in the grand scheme of things- we've had a lot worse.

Scot: What? Let me see... (he pauses to take in the holes in Christian's hair). Why, Christian, Why???

Christian at this point has given up trying to explain. He just stands there. Which is a true testament to his improved self control. Normally at this point, he'd be crying and/or screaming.

Christian: Can't we just glue it back on?

Me (to Scot): Well, you have to call the hairdresser. (Because I have priorities. I mean, forget about the fact that my son was using a razor blade on his scalp and could have cut himself and bled to death before I was none the wiser. This is a hair emergency!!!! My child looks like he has the mange!!! Scot needs to call our hairdresser's cell phone and get her to help us right this second!!!)

Scot: (Looking at me like I've completely lost my mind) I am not calling our hairdresser on her cell phone on a Saturday morning to ask her about our child's hair. I would kill someone if they called me on a Saturday morning to ask a computer question (so let that be a lesson to all of you out there... call Scot on a Saturday morning to ask a computer question at your own peril)

Me: Well, you're calling her as soon as they open. (I say this rather threateningly)

So, there you have it. I don't know what else to say. Sigh. I guess that all parents go through something like this at one point or another. Although I'd love to hear stories if you have any. You may remember a couple of years ago when Leah burned her hair off. I told Brady that he was under no circumstances to touch his hair. He's the only child I have left that has never tried to cut, shave, or burn his own hair. So, if you see Christian out and about and you wonder why he has this particular haircut, now you know. Of course, our hairdresser was not there. Someone else cut it, and I can honestly say that I hate the resulting cut more than just having holes in his hair. (deep breath, it's just hair, it's just hair, deep breath).... I mean, who cares if he looks like he's going to military school? The cut reminds me of my father's haircut right after he went into the army. I know I wasn't there, but I've seen pictures. (deep breath, it's just hair, it's just hair, deep breath...) It is still summer and at least he won't get hot. And he does look good in hats... Sigh.